This is Cancer

It took a good man.  A big, strong, solid, vibrant, loving man.

It took him, and knocked the wind out of his sails.  Drained his big, strong, solid, vibrant, loving body and weakened it, day by slow, excruciating day.

Took his pride.  Took his feelings.  Took his hopes and wishes away, and left him hollow.

With skeletal eyes, it made him gaze at me.  Causing constant pain, it led him to hold my hand and say nothing.

A beautiful man was taken out.

A man that was loved and was loving.

Pancreatic cancer grows, like a silence.

A death sentence that makes no sense.

A sentence that took away a whole book of a life.

This is cancer.

Awaiting Bad News

I am, as the title says, awaiting bad news.

I am signed up for Bernie Sanders’ announcement to his supporters this coming Thursday night, June 16, and my ex-boyfriend but still friend is awaiting a liver biopsy.

I am awaiting bad news all around, and I am sort of resigned to it.  And sort of not.

How to deal with the fact that our country’s political system is due to undergo more corruption and or other nightmarish hell thanks to Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump.  No chance of Bernie saving the day, anymore.

How to deal with the fact that the man I had hoped to marry, but didn’t, might be back under my roof soon in order for me to give him the care he would otherwise have at a hospice?  How to deal with the fact that I had thought we were over and could just be friends, but that was when I thought he’d be hanging around in my life for years and years, as a good buddy, and not possibly suffering pancreatic cancer of the pancreas and liver.

How to deal with the fact that, as much as I know life is unpredictable and things don’t always go smoothly, this year is turning out to be the suckiest, fuckiest year ever, and I don’t mean that in a good, fun, sexual way.

I hate bad news.  I hate news, in general.  Especially mainstream media news that is broadcast by firms who are already bought and sold by the lobbyists and corporations that own our politicians.

I hate awaiting bad news.  I hate waiting.

But I love you all, and wish you peace, as I wait.

I await the news.

 

Holidays Sauce

Lilac lavender pressing a leaf into a page
Sage evergreen
Sky blue, robin’s egg
Cream

Mocha chocolate brown
burgundy
Gold and frankincense
Myrrh for your hot forehead

Oh

Don’t you know everything’s
alright

Of course it is
yes
of course
it is

It is Christmas
New Year
new birth
new start

Old traditions
old style
new birth
old fart

Arizona at this time
is blue, gold and sage
California at this time
is just full of new age

Blue cream icing
on a cupcake
all the rage

Parsley
Rosemary

Time

On my side

Who’s on my side?
What’s first
I forget

Ours and Hours

Takes between eight and 18 beers
to get the tension out of my chest
I’m being put to the test
with no rest

I make my bed every day
withhold the things I should not say
isn’t that enough
It’s tough

Beds of roses come with thorns
they prick sometimes
mine and yours

Ours

Hours spent, time wasted
killing the minutes talking, talking
Saying nothing, hearing less
Nothing of consequence

Time is spent

Now what?