DOGS

 

I woke up some Saturday morning 35 years ago or so.

I was feeling pretty good.

Went out for my run and came back two hours later.

So I am consuming my breakfast with relish. When you really exercise, every frickin day, you can eat whatever you want. The problem is, if you are fudging and saying you are exercising every day and then eat what you want….well you get fat.

But not me. For fifteen years I knew the rules.

Anyway, I am doing just fine, relishing my earned feast and the mother of my children went on the attack.

You see, I have always been loud and obnoxious and when something pissed me off, I just went off like a rocket.

My first wife would wait, contain, see what would transpire without her embellishment.

Until she would erupt like Mt. Vesuvius and the surrounding area would find itself under a great depth of ash.

Anyway, she who must be obeyed erupted:

YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO GET A DOG, WHERE IS THE FRICKIN DOG, GO GET THE DOG!

All righty then.

I dressed properly and took her note regarding where I was going and left to the animal’s holding tank.

I arrived and all the girls running the joint were appreciative and wished to put on the nicest front to any idiot who entered their sanctuary.

I went to the front desk and the lady asked:

What is your purpose?

Well I have been ordered by the Queen of the Galaxy to remove one of your prisoners and take him to our abode.

She laughed.

We have several available subjects, would you like to visit with them?

Well, being a clever fellow, I was not going to take home the first applicant.

I was going to survey the situation.

So I asked if I could take some candidates for the position for a quick walk first before making my choice.

She said:

Well that would be fine.

So I was led to the jail cells and discovered many prisoners who really were not that happy about their current situation.

I picked out one of the pups and a leash was attached and I walked the little bastard to the waiting area and sat down and he would not shut up and he would not quit jumping up and down.

 

I repeated this attempt at mind melding at least two or three more times and received the same reaction.

Finally, I hit the fourth prospect.

He was a Lab cross mutt and he dutifully and respectfully accepted the leash.

I led him out of the prison area and headed for the waiting area.

He most dutifully followed me without any need for the leash which I dutifully held.

I found a chair and the dog just sat there, looking at me.

He did not bark.

He did not jump up and down.

He did not whimper.

 

All righty then.

I had found the proper companion for my ninos.

So I find out that rescuing costs.

I had to fork out $70.00 or so for shots and such; which I was not happy about but then again, I had to face Vesuvius.

After due payment, I walked out the door with the leash provided by the private prison personnel and we headed for the car.

Now there are only five or six cars in this small parking lot but this dog knew, absolutely knew which car was mine!

And this pup took off for that car like it was the underground railroad.

He almost pulled my arm off and I could do nothing but laugh.

This was the single funniest event I had ever witnessed.

He had played me as a con like we had met in some carnival. HahahahahaHAH

He had planned to be supine and agreeable and patient and….

ALL SO THAT HE COULD GET OUT OF THAT PRISON.

Hahahahahahahahaah

I could not help it.

I could not take him back.

He would go home with me.

I mean, a creature like this should be rewarded for this type of intellegent behavior.

I get him home to our little suburban dwelling and I introduce him to my five year old and seven year old.

The youngest is in heaven.

He is shaking and looks at the dog and looks at me and looks at the ground and he picks up a stick and throws it.

And this dog goes right for the stick and takes it back to my son.

Inside, I went nuts.

This was one of the greatest experiences I had ever had.

A few years later I split up with my wife and moved into a home I had purchased about two blocks away.

I came to my old abode to pick up the kids and this mutt came to the door and started barking at me.

I SAVED YOUR GODDAMN LIFE YOU STUPID BASTARD…..

As usual I went on and on.

But he never barked at me again. Hahahahahaha

Fourteen or so years later, my son gets the bad news that Spot has to be put down.

Well, he was in college at the time and said no dice.

So he cared for Spot for another few months and then came to the realization that it was over.

And Spot reached his final destination.

I loved that dog.

A black Labrador from English stock

 

The end