Ronnie Paul, the acting Sheriff of Harlan County, Texas appeared before the trio of reporters for this ad hoc news conference in front of the 400 square foot headquarters.
Harlan County (one of 254 political subdivisions of the Longhorn State) is located in the SW portion of Texas, some 40 miles or so from the Mexican Border.
Folks never paid much mind to what went on in this neck of the woods. I mean there were less than 1500 residents. No I mean less than 1500 residents for sure but the Census people were once again fooled so that Harlan could maintain some State aid anyhow!
Ronnie Paul (no one really was sure of his real last name but last names never counted for much here anyhow) was a diminutive sort; looked frail but could cycle 25 files with ease. I mean he’s a damn septuagenarian and thin as a rail having to wear suspenders just to keep the bottom half of his uniform from falling to the ground.
Greying and with a face severely lined; Tammy Jane from Woosha’s Daily News just thought:
This is no country for old men!
What was that? Ronnie Paul inquired; for he had heard Tammy Jane loud and clear with the new hearing aid he just received from his on-line order to Dallas that month.
On Sheriff Ronnie Paul, I was wonderin if you have had the chance to hunt down Dickie Bennet yet? I mean we hear Dickie was responsible for the flailing of folks in the Chevy van just 7 miles down 72 from here due East?
Now Tammy Jane; we all know that a man in this here country is innocent until proven guilty but as far as that sad attack upon them liberal roadies from up north the investigation is continuing and we shall use all of our brains and all of our brawn and all of the tools that the great State of Texas has provided to right this wrong.
Well thank you for that Sheriff, but seein as this fine law enforcement machine there is just you and Curly Rand and he is just part time.
Shades of Barney Phife, thought Jimmy Bob Teraman from the Paris Tribune.
SHADES OF WHAT?
I was just wondering Jimmy Bob began attempting to hide any further contempt in this matter from the chief law enforcement figure involved in this tragedy, what types of clues and such you have discovered so far since this whippin took place more than a week ago?
Here it comes, thought Ronnie Paul. Few folks as nice in these parts as Jimmy Bob and Tammy Jane and just cause this unsightly matter had been reported as far away as San Antone they have to feign some sort of local concern so as to not look like the hicks they was.
If I might speak contextually Jimmy Bob and Tammy Jane; I have been in contact with the folks runnin the Gospel Health Institute and they tell me that them northerners are healin up fine. Now that Mr. White has lost a leg, but it was his left leg (not used so much as the right leg ya know) and some prosthetic device was going to be attached but he had no proper insurance.
And that darkie that was with him (was he called Aba Ibn or some such) well he is still in the coma condition but is expected to wake up any time now.
And the third victim, the lady in the pant’s suit, has claim some sort of physical intrusion into her private parts but she is getting around just fine.
As far as the perpetrators are concerned, we shall turn over every rock; we shall look under every outhouse, doghouse, tree house and whorehouse in these parts and outlying areas until justice is met!
The reporter from the Missouri Sun Times stepped forward.
Ronnie Paul stepped back a pace as he was astounded to see a cameraman come from behind the out of town northerner.
Why have not the State Police been notified of these felonies?
Why have Federal Police been treated in this manner?
Why does it appear that your office only seeks to cover up the mauling of good Americans?
And your name, the Sheriff inquired.
I am Randolf Scott from the Missouri Sun Times sir sent down here by my editor to gather some facts concerning this debacle.
Well the only debacle I see is a team of Northerners who wish to make good hard working Americans look bad so that you might sell more papers.
But I would answer your questions in the order presented.
First, I have notified the State Police, the exact time Curly Rand…er Deputy Rand discovered the carnage. And to be blunt the State Police is real busy handling all the felonies committed by illegals who slink into this county from the south every single day. And those same State Police are busy investigating other crimes committed by other minorities and such.
Second, these Federal Police had no business being here and causing much worry and fret amongst my fell Harlan County citizens. But nonetheless, we do not allow felony and mayhem in these here parts against any visitors.
Third, and most importantly, it appears that some illegals had a part in all of this criminal activity and local Minutemen have been notified; these illegals like baseball and a baseball bat was definitely used to injure the victims.
LOCAL MINUTEMEN! WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT…
Better lower your voice Randolf or you might find some accommodations in these here headquarters!
With that, Ronnie Paul got into his patrol car heading East on 72.
White and Abara and Smith had come down from St. Louis as part of a Task Force formed to investigate rumors of tax evasion in Harlan County. They had stopped for fuel at Vicky’s Gas and Watering Hole up on 72.
Next thing you know, Curly Rand shows up in his Pa’s patrol car the next day discovering two bodies on the ground with a woman in red ranting and raving about the impending Federal Invasion.
Curly duly called for an ambulance from the Gospel Health folks on the car radio (Curly’s phone was uncharged as is usual).
Although there were reportedly five locals including Dicky Bennet in attendance at the time of the perpetration, having sips on some sustenance in the back of Vicky’s, no one came forward with any information concerning the fate of the task force.
Five days following this terrorist act, Raylan Givens from the U.S. Marshall’s Service was sent to the vicinity of the chaos. This time he was stuck in a rented two door Chevy at least 15 years old so as to blend into the local environs.
Raylan stopped at Vicky’s acting like some transient who was taking advantage of an out of the way gas stop in order to continue onto better goals.
Raylan had been late because he was stuck in Federal Court with a local assistant DA procuring an order to show cause why the Federal Task Force victims were not being properly cared for at Gospel. The Order was really directed to the insurance company and an ambulance was already on its way to pick up all the victims and take them to a Federally Funded Facility in Dallas.
Broad at the shoulder but narrow at the hip, Raylan had the physique of a swimmer and with his cowboy hat on he almost looked like a caricature of a human being.
Raylan sauntered into Vicky’s.
A very tall woman with a wart on her chin wearing what appeared to be a jumper approached the client with a watchful eye.
Where you from stranger?
Harlan County actually.
Harlan County. Really? How come I never came upon your countenance afore?
Harlan County, Kentucky actually.
Raylan pull the star strapped to his belt to his buckle in order to disclose his business.
You’re a Fed aren’t ya?
Pretty observant maam.
I have a few questions though.
Where were you on Friday the 13th?
Well I was here in the morning as always, just like now. Then I, I had to attend a baptism down in Paris.
You are Vicky, I presume?
Yes, Vicky Ann Heller.
How long you been operating this place?
Goin on ten year I suppose. Took it over from Uncle Joe after his arrest.
You mean Joe Tanner who is spending some time at Folsom for moonshinin?
She just stared at him.
Do you know a Dicky Bennet?
.Kind of wiry with a limp and a shaggy ugly beard?
Yes, I do.
Meanwhile Ronnie Paul, headed East as he left the press on 72 and as soon as he was out of sight took a hard left traveling NW on the Old Country Road. He had business to do.
There was business to transact at the still.
Ten miles from the turnoff was a huge hill filled with forest cover. He noted the steady wisp of smoke comin from his facility.
He parked further uphill from the still and walked down.
Curly Rand? Curly Rand?
CURLY RAND WHERE IN THE HELL ARE YOU?
The Sheriff heard a muffled call and so he headed for cover peering into his encampment. He took the spyglass from his pants pocket.
There, South of the still was Curly tied to a tree and there was that new brat Dicky Bennet with a baseball bat.
Ronnie Paul got to his knees and grabbed his rifle He was always a sure shot in circumstances like these.
The Sheriff pulled the trigger taking Dicky down.
Slowly he arose, rifle in hand approaching the scene of the crime.
You all right Curly Rand?
He then took the strap from around his son’s mouth and released him from the tree.
Ronnie Paul sunk to his knees in front of his recently fondled son.
The North was on the wrong side of the war.
The South was justified as Spooner said.
Slavery would have been abolished by the South sooner or later without any help from the blue coats.
Instead the Yankees just substituted the sons and the daughters of the South for the Black Slaves.
Those brave and true Sons & Daughters are now the slaves of the Yankee dogs.
Now the Feds just occupy us like they done before.
The Federal Government is the Northern government of old.
Tax, tax and tax.
That is all our foes know.
Spend, spend and spend.
That is all our foes know.
Don’t worry about it if we’re not a majority, all we need is a minority keen on spreading the brushfires of liberty in the minds of man.” That is what we need to do and believe me, the brushfires are burning, they will not be able to squelch the brushfires, they’re burning and they’re spreading and people are getting excited, because they’re starting to separate it out, what true liberty is all about, what market liberty, personal liberty is and what it means in foreign policy, what it means in our traditions, the American tradition, what it means because the Constitution confirms and confers with what I’m saying..
And we are being bushwhacked right now by some more of those Northern Blue Coats.
They are indoctrinating our children which is why we must get rid of the Department of Education.
They are stealing Texas Oil and claiming jurisdiction over our lands and our shores which is why we must erase the Department of Energy.
They are trying to tell us how, when, where and with whom we can trade our products and our resources which is why we must abolish the Department of Commerce.
They destroy our currency and that is why we must obliterate the Federal Reserve.
Their soldiers still occupy us which is why the Department of Defense must be severely decimated.
Their welfare plans are keepin our Negroes lazy and unproductive which is why we must remove the Department of Health & Human Services from our shores.
Their attempts to make us use their models for residency have fallen flat; they okay loans to miscreants; they prevent like people from living with like people; they pretend their morality is better than ours so we must fire bomb HUD into extinction.
AND WE AINT GONNA TAKE IT NO MORE!