RESOLUTIONS

JANUS
Janus (from whence we receive our words for January and janitor) was the God who looked forward and backward in time.
The concept is like the politician who reviews his books (the real books) from the year before in order to discern the sources of his bribes over the last year with an eye for discovering where his future bribes will come from.

Here are my revolutions in resolutions for 2012, the year we are all suppose to die.

 

  1. I am going to cut down on obscenities. Because of issues dealing with my DNA, I shall continue to blaspheme, but shall cut that sin down to a minimum; making sure the context of my blasphemy is apt for the circumstances as they present themselves.
  2. I am going to expand upon my attempts at incorporating more ‘valuable’ vegetables and fruits into my diet.
  3. I am going to stop any further ‘porn streaming’–except for Sundays and one hour during the week. A continuous hour that is.
  4. I am going to wear real pants three or four days a week; whether I am planning on leaving my cave or not.
  5. I am going to cut down on my smoking. (Yeah right, that ought to last about an hour on the 1st unless of course I end up taking a two hour nap!)
  6. I am going to quit playing my drum set (with my imaginary friends) whilst playing HWY 61 Revisited at two in the morning. Frankly I thought the next door neighbor was banging on her wall as an expression of her love of 1960’s riffs; attempting to join in the festivities. The Landlord just informed me that I was in error in my assessment. Now it turns out that my neighbor died of a heart attack around 2:30 AM the other day. Imagine that! Right out of the blue! I mean when it’s your time to go, it’s your time to go!
  7. I am going to cease barking back at the little bastard mutts who bark at me whilst I amble about in the neighborhood. This behavior merely condescends to the little buggers’ level and I have recently discovered that local children appear to be afraid of me.
  8. I find that I use far too many semi-colons so from now on I shall bracket everything. It will further confuse my rather chaotic writing but the reader will have to be much more careful to glean all he can from my prose.
  9. I shall refrain from referring to anything that rush or beckerhead or erik erickson or michael savage says for thirty days. I shall then have my blood pressure tested to see if this lenten-type fast improves my situation. Of course if I end up staring at a blank page for ten straight days I might have to reassess this decision.
  10. I shall refrain from beginning any comment to a post with the words: You moronic NAZI….
  11. I am going to write a ‘How To Book‘. I am already making a list of what I know how to do. So far the list includes typing and yelling at the TV but I have high hopes of discovering what I know; no matter how long that takes!
  12. I am going to attempt to start my own church. Recently, during a walk behind the bars facing Main Street I discovered secret coded garbage pail lids and I am in the midst of translating them. So far the Google translating system has rendered two words: God Dang. This may take awhile but I bet I can begin asking for contributions any day now.
  13. I am going to move my bed closer to the bathroom. I am not now prepared to discuss the reason behind this move.
  14. I shall cease from grabbing my container of special lotion every time Bachmann appears on the screen of my pc or telly.
  15. I am going to start a PAC for Ron Paul. I am in contact with O’Donnell’s attorneys about how I go about paying for my ‘expenses’ from the fund. I think there is a lot of money to be made in this proposed endeavor. Just the other day Newt sold his own list of donors to his own campaign fund for $42,000.00. So I already have lots of lists. I will just sell them to my PAC! If that does not do it I can hire my kids as PACMEN and pay them a hundred grand a year and since I am their agent they can kick back 20% to dear old dad!
  16. Remind me, I have to vacuum this week and wash the kitchen floor.
  17. I am going to write Letterman and demand that he quit referring to Mayor Bloomberg as a midget; the proper term is little person!
  18. I shall refrain from spitting upon people who disagree with me. There are no real people in this small apartment except for me anyway and most mornings I end up having to spray Lysol on the telly, my pc and sometimes even my walls.

 

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO REACH DOWN DEEP INTO YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS AND GIVE ME YOUR LISTS; I MEAN BOTH OF YOU!

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8 thoughts on “RESOLUTIONS

  1. I haven’t laughed so hard in days. Thank you for sharing your list with us (all two of us, hahahahaha). Me, I don’t make New Years Resolutions anymore, because I never keep them. Why set myself up for disappointment, right?

  2. cmaukonen

    You say you’ll make a resolution
    Well, you know
    We all want to change our lives
    {Shoobe dowa,ah humm shoobe dowa}
    You tell me that it’s evolution
    Well, you know
    We all want to change our lives
    {Shoobe dowa,ah humm shoobe dowa}
    But When you make a promis on New Years Eve now
    You know you won’t remember it anyhow
    Don’t You know it’s gonna be a long night
    You know it’s gonna be a long night
    All right, all right

    1. It is a long night for sure. hahahahaha

      I mean you write these things down. Supposedly the hangover has kept you from imbibing on the 1st.

      But I mean you wake up and have to read this crap. ahahahha

  3. ~flowerchild~

    This was a fun read with coffee this morning, Mr. Day. Migwetch.
    I haven’t given one thought to a resolution list, but there’s still a week and then some to think about it.
    You know, when you’re perfect like I am, it’s hard to find something about your person that needs fine tuning. Although, I suppose I could always work on getting my tongue out of my cheek. 😉

  4. dd,

    Priceless!

    However – I’m a little concerrned about the need for the ‘special lotion’ as noted in #14.

    Will wait until next week to consider my ‘list’ – but I do know it will include reading all your posts!

    xoxoxoxo

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