This debate is brought to you with limited commercial interruptions by Trump Enterprises, Howdy & Doody (your favorite bankruptcy law firm) and Depends.
Narrator: Welcome to our network. This first Trump Debate will be hosted by Mel Gibson, at true Christian and a true American.
Mel Gibson: Welcome to the single most important Republican Debate of 2011. I am Mel Gibson; you might have heard of me.
(laughter and applause from audience which paid to be here)
I would like to introduce (as if you all don’t already know him) one of the Greatest Americans to ever appear in film or on the telly; Donald Trump.
As he told me once: You’re fired!
Ha, just kidding. But seriously folks Mr. Trump is a builder; an employer of thousands upon thousands of people; a first rate entertainer; and a lover of freedom.
(A boo is heard from the front row in the audience)
Get this motherf$%#ing Jew out of here!
(Four armed guards wearing riot equipment suddenly appear and drag the anarchist out of the arena)
Sorry folks for the interruption. People signed a contract prior to entering this event and, as usual, some lying contemptible demo-rat arrived in sheep clothing to disrupt these proceedings.
ANYBODY ELSE WISH TO JOIN THIS DEMO-RAT IN THE BASEMENT WITH A WATERBOARD?
Now, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was introducing one of our foremost Americans with a real birth certificate and documentation as a real citizen of these United States of America; unlike that black bastard who now dirties the Oval Office.
(Applause and cheers all around)
So without further ado, I introduce our moderator; a true American; a true fighter for freedom and a member of the Better Business Bureau:
(The audience per contract with the hosting network gives a standing ovation to the Donald!)
THE DONALD: Welcome to what I hope is the first of many debates to come on my network.
Without further ado I welcome an important group of Americans running for the highest office in this great land; just like I did before that illegal alien took over the White House!
Mel, will you do the honors?
MEL: Of course Mr. Trump.
First up to proceed to the podium, I introduce a true American and the only woman running for the Republican nomination: SARAH BACHMANN
(A murmer settled over the crowd until the Trump assistant with the biggest rack came over and whispered in Mel’s ear.)
MEL: I’m sorry. Ladies and gentlemen I present Michelle Bachmann!
(Bachmann enters the stage and walks over to the smallest dais)
MEL: Next I welcome a great American, a great candidate and a not-so-great former governor, Mitt Romney.
(Romney looks around quisically but enters the stage to his appointed dais)
MEL: I would now like to introduce my favorite candidate for President of the United States of America Congressman Ron Paul!
(The lady with the big rack rushes over to the side queue to wake up Representative Paul who manages to reach his dais after being reminded of where he was.)
MEL: Before I introduce our next candidate, a short word from one of our sponsors:
MEL: And now with great pleasure I introduce a fine American, a great historian (who is paid $60,000 an hour for his lectures) and a candidate for the Republican Nomination for President of the United States: Newt Gingrich!
(A roar is heard throughout the crowd; the men in the riot gear quickly arrive to subdue the meat-eating Tiger who evidently escaped from the Trump Zoo located next door to the debate arena)
MEL: Boy it looks like everybody is trying to get into the act! Finally it is my office to introduce a great former Senator, former pastor of the K-Street ministry and a great American: Rick Santorum!
And now without further ado, I hand the mike back to Donald Trump!
TRUMP: I would like to welcome this esteemed panel as well as Representative Bachmann to this network contest.
YOU’RE ALL FIRED!
(The audience roars with laughter—without the tiger who had been subdued—on cue from the green light used in rehearsal)
(Bachmann raises her hand)
TRUMP: Ms. Bachmann, are you asking for some female time?
MICHELE: No I just have a question before you begin these proceedings.
TRUMP: (Thinking with pursed lips) All right, I’ll bite, what can I do you for?
MICHELE: I note that you separated me in your welcome of the Republican slate. Why is that and why am I standing at a mini-dais so as to make me look of less importance than the other candidates?
TRUMP: My staff could not find a milk box for you to stand on so we substituted a dais used in the 2011 Middle School Spelling Bee. Sorry about that. But we provided you with the loudest mike to make up for this discrepancy. Anymore questions like that AND YOU ARE FIRED!
(Suddenly the entire crowd breaks up in laughter following a loud fart that appeared to come from behind Ron Paul’s dais, sounded like a Wednesday Federal Emergency Warning. Ron smiled and excused himself. The crowd laughs.)
TRUMP: Now, if everyone is settled back, I would like to ask this panel a very important question:
How many here believe in Evolution?
(Ron Paul raised his hand but after looking around he took it down. He then seemed to fidget with the hearing aid in his right ear.)
TRUMP: Good. Now my first question goes to Governor Mitt Romney: Governor what are your thoughts on Obama Care and what proposals would you send to Congress by way of amending that legislation that was modeled after the program you signed into law in Massachusetts?
MITT: (Laughs nervously.) I have answered that question at least three hundred times and I am sick and tired of having to answer it here. Where in the hell did you get your list of questions anyway; the DNC? I…
TRUMP: Your time is up!
(Mitt walks off the stage after giving Donald the finger.)
TRUMP: Goodby and good luck Governor; I was going to fire you anyway. Now I would like to ask Speaker Gingrich: What measures would you propose in order to revamp our national educational system.
NEWT: I think that it is incumbent upon this nation to institute some regimen, some discipline and some common sense into our public schools. I would begin by issuing an executive order that all students in the public school who receive food stamps begin working in the school kitchen two hours each and every day—except Sunday of course when they must attend church. That executive order would also mandate that the children of those who do not pay property taxes in their respective school districts must clean toilets and scrape gum off the student lockers three hours every day—except Sunday of course when they must attend church services. And finally in that order I would mandate that no child sporting a tattoo; sporting a strange hair cut; sporting clothes that seem out of place or spitting out obscenities on school property be summarily expelled for at least one year.
Those students found to be in possession of a controlled substance shall be imprisoned for no less than a year and no more than three years.
TRUMP: Well Mr. Speaker, I do not know about the hair style thing but I support every other matter included in your proposed order.
(Ron Paul raises his hand)
TRUMP: Yes Mr. Paul, would you like to respond?
PAUL: You damn better bet I would like to respond. Why in God’s name should we even discuss a National Education System. There is nothing in the Constitution that even suggests that the Federal Government have anything to do with public or private schools.
TRUMP: Well what measures would you take should you be elected President of the United States?
PAUL: I personally believe that everyone should be home schooled. Let the parents monitor their own child’s progress as far as reading, writing and arithmetic. But that would be up to the several states and none of the Federal Government’s business.
TRUMP: Well I think you are wrong about all this but while I have your attention, we requested certain things from today’s panelists prior to becoming part of this great debate. Why were you the only one to omit including your birth certificate in the packet supplied to my staff?
PAUL: I was home-birthed.
END OF PART ONE OF THIS GREAT DEBATE.