HOW TO GET A JOB!

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Well the Wall Street Journal is giving us all tips on how best to prepare our resumes. Basically, its ten points boil down to these:

1.       Omit  unnecessary details concerning your personal life.

2.      Do not include information concerning your experiences as a life guard when you were 16.

3.       Do not include photographs

4.      Refrain from including salary expectations

5.       Do not lie unless you think you can get away with it.

6.       Do not divulge confidential information concerning a previous employer

7.       Do not recite the fact that you were fired by a previous employer

8.       Be terse in your delivery

9.       Give references

10.   Do not give too much information

http://www.fins.com/Finance/Articles/SB130021278360394737/The-Ten-Worst-Things-to-Put-on-Your-Resume?Type=4&reflink=djm_emailfinshouse_mar2411_djusop

It kind of makes sense that the Journal would offer the unemployed advice on how to become reemployed since its editors dislike unemployment insurance so much.

I just thought that I might expand upon some of these ideas.

I got the idea that WSJ was assuming facts not in evidence. That is, the article just assumes that its reader is hip to some facts/tactics that not everyone is privy to.

So here are some don’ts as far as preparing a resume.

1. Avoid phrases such as: It is none of your fucking business why I left that employer; I have rights and stuff! Prospective employers are adamant in the belief that emplyees have no rights whatsoever!

2. When discussing how you came to be relocated in a new city it might be better to avoid phrases like: And then my sister got pregnant and I had to leave town. Corporate folks working in personnel departments have a knack for reading between the lines.

3. Leave some information out of your resume that is better delivered during your interview like: I have pix of your CEO doing it doggie style with his Schnauzer. I mean you really do not wish to make the DA’s case for him, do you?

4. Always attach a birth certificate even if it is not yours. Most of the unemployed are traveling under assumed names anyway. There are a lot of birthers out there in the corporate universe!

5. It is always a good idea to leave some hint in your document that you know somebody in the Department of Civil Rights. Just the same avoid addresses such as: Bro or Senor.

6. Make sure you have a proper address and not just a P.O Box. I mean those mofos in Personnel get suspicious over stuff like that!

7. Again, there are some things that should wait until you are interviewed. Statements like: My wife is beautiful and always available on Thursday nights should not be put on paper.

8. Never demand money! There are ways to drop hints as to salary requirements of course. I used to send a few years of tax returns with my resumes. Of course the figures were always fictitious but it gave those personnel guys an idea of who they were dealing with! Ha

9. Try to keep the actual document clean for chrissakes! Beer bottle rings or whiskey stains or grains from your latest doobie are not really desirable in this context; unless of course you are applying for a position  with  a porn studio or some such.

10. Lastly, never, never, never include one of those smiley stickers with your resume. Employees are supposed to be downtrodden and afraid all the time and prospective employers like to keep it that way!

Well that just about concludes this discussion.

Good luck!

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